It's Been Far Too Long

I am all. over. the. map.

Sometimes i just don't care whatsoever. I lie on the couch and waste my brain cells watching TV (which was a good tip, btw). I don't think about other's feelings. I laugh at their pain. I live with gray skies, satisfied. I just can't feel.

Sometimes, i snap into these crazy awesome moods. I care. I like christmas. I read my Bible like crazy and i'd rather pray than count calories. I talk to old friends, i eat food i want, my social anxiety disappears, i want to dance in the sun, i feel... incredible.

I haven't felt angry in a long time.

I need to talk to my docs about these meds. I still have so much anxiety. I avoid chats, i avoid phone calls, i avoid people i know if i see them in public. It's very odd. I just can't stand speaking to them, even if i love them. I dont know why. I don't have as many physical side effects, its true, like shaking hands. I still have breathing trouble and tension headaches and such. I guess it's getting better. It's just a very bothersome thing.


I ate a rather large sushi dinner tonight, which i felt okay about, because i didn't have much beforehand..
whatever. i will not fail.

this weekend i had THE BINGE. You know the one. You've been restricting and fasting like a good girl, and you feel great, but then.. it's there. that crazy itch for food. for fat. something you usually fear. so you satisfy it with just a little bit of the "bad" foods. but it isn't enough. it keeps coming back for more. The Binge.

Then i reunited with an old friend. Purge. Hmm. I don't think it was all intentional, my stomach was in turmoil from all that food. I felt so much better afterward. Can't make a habit of that one though. Have to get a hold on myself. I can do this.

Can't sleep tonight. Didn't take any melatonin. Oh well. I'm staying up to watch that 70's show. What else is there to do? Nothing. Nothing in this crap house in this crap town. There aren't even hoodlums out to go meet up with! Madness.

Marya's Madness is a very good book, btw. I read it for pleasure. Check it out!

I suppose that's it. Love you all.

S'laters