Hey Room, You're Spinning An Awful Lot

ugh ugh ughhhh.

Don't get me wrong, this started as a great day. Didn't fail my final.
I'm worried Boyfriend is going to find this blog. I told him i have one, but he doesn't know the name. He doesn't know about my love affair with Ana.
He saw me looking at some stuff on here earlier. I'm afraid he'll search it when he gets home. Which will be right about now...
I don't know. I'll just bite my fingernails and hope he forgets.

Today we talked about children and marriage. I talked about how hopeless i feel that any sensible man will want to put up with me. That i don't want to raise fuckup children that live like me.

So i was doing really good today. Drinking lots of lemon water, eating some tuna. I was at 160 cals and planned to keep it that way.

BUT..

Then my grandmother decided to make us a TON of food. I couldn't say no and waste all her efforts, she's so nice! I can't even write what i've eaten, but it's a ton. I can't even purge here. Blech. My tummy is churning... Growling at me. Hating me for this.
I've got to start a fast right after new years.
I desperately want to start right now but it would be so short.. My family's going to make me eat on christmas. I'll have to find ways out of it.

I'm finally done with shows for a while.. got a break until mid-January. Plenty of time to blog and concentrate on more important things. Like this fat oozing off my bones.

I'm also really relieved not to have school just for the social aspect of it. I really enjoy the people there, but social anxiety is killer. My medicine apparently isn't covering that yet. I better see my psych soon, or i fear another hypo episode in the nearish future... which isn't all that bad, but the worse the mania is, the worse the after-depression is.

my mothers rushing me out the door. i'll update at home.

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So i got in the car with my mother, and she'd brought home pizza... the smell was godawful and i honestly thought i'd puke right there. I wish i would have.

Anyway, it's only 7 pm but i've holed myself up in my room for the night. No chance of going near the kitchen.

Oh, great. Just got a text from a friend: "Wanted to get sushi if you're up to it."
Shit. I hate depriving friends of sushi.

Sorry i'm being Rambler McRambleton-Boringsville IV

I guess im in the Valley of the Very Medicated frolicking among the Meadows of Low Self-Esteem

I need to pirate some more songs for my ana playlist! Give me some suggestions if you have them.

i have the basics plus some i just like:

Garbage - Bleed Like Me
Lisa Loeb - She's Falling Apart
Silverchair - Ana's Song
Superchick - Courage
Superchick - Beauty from Pain
Flyleaf- I'm so Sick
Missy Higgins - Katie
Eleanor McEvoy - Sophie
Saves the Day - Cars and Calories
Bryn Christopher - The Quest
The Raconteurs - Consolers Of the Lonely
Foo Fighters - Skin and Bones
Manic Street Preachers - 4st 7lb
Juliana Hatfield - Feed Me
Katy Rose - Lemon
From First to Last - World War Me

and some others...




I just can't believe Christmas is so near. We must band together to avoid the pounds of fat lurking EVERYWHERE. I'm hopefully getting Wasted along with about eight other books. Also, i know i sound ten, but i still play Nancy Drew. It's my guilty pleasure. So i want more mysteries. Haha.

I'm going to stop this nonsense and either get sushi or sleep.. Utter exhaustion is seeping into my mind..

Love you all, fear food, think thin, stay strong, etc.

s'laters