There is a large part of me that hates my medications because they make me gain weight. It's like i can't stop eating even if i detest it. Ugh.
I'm on Cymbalta, Depakote, Trazodone, Abilify, and Loestrin (Birth control)
The only one that i know didn't cause weight gain is Cymbalta. I'll gladly take that any day. But Depakote, Abilify, and Loestrin are not helping with my quest to lose weight at all. I just want to stop eating so much. I want to go on a carrot and celery diet for the rest of my life. But i have these horrible urges to eat stuffed french toast, french fries, ice cream... gross.
It's stressful :(
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Back from the Hospital
So, i was moved to an inpatient facility a couple of weeks ago. I just got out a couple days ago, so im updating finally! It was, overall, an okay stay. Very regulated, of course, and when we weren't in therapy we were journaling about our day and telling the doctors how we feel. They took down my Cymbalta to 60 mg, doubled my trazodone, and added Abilify. Just started so im only on 5mg. At least i sleep reeeeeally well. Haha.
I really enjoyed being there sometimes. It was nice to get away from the stress of home and school work. We only had two hours of school work per day, so im pretty behind. But, i think ill be okay. I liked being around other people my age with similar problems, even if some didnt seem so similar. Also, as a plus, i got to see a few people get tranquilized due to psychotic outbursts and things like that. Fun stuff.
So, im learning to cope with stress in positive ways, regulate my eating patterns, sleep well at night, meditate, blah blah blah. "Communicate my emotions." I know its all good stuff. And im lucky i have a good counselor who i like and can talk to. Im trying not to overeat but those medications.. they do make it hard. At the hospital, the nurses forgot my birth control pills, so im all messed up and my hormones are out of whack. Sigh.
My puppy is growing up big and healthy (though right now she is still tiny and cute ^.^ ) We adopted her from the shelter two weeks ago. Her name is Memphis, as in Egypt, or as in Tennessee. She's a Golden Retriever mix, but she practically looks full golden. She's beautiful, soft, smart, and sweet as can be. Pictures, yes?
jacob and memphis
Rawr!
Still sleepy. Nap time.
She is so the love of my life.
I really enjoyed being there sometimes. It was nice to get away from the stress of home and school work. We only had two hours of school work per day, so im pretty behind. But, i think ill be okay. I liked being around other people my age with similar problems, even if some didnt seem so similar. Also, as a plus, i got to see a few people get tranquilized due to psychotic outbursts and things like that. Fun stuff.
So, im learning to cope with stress in positive ways, regulate my eating patterns, sleep well at night, meditate, blah blah blah. "Communicate my emotions." I know its all good stuff. And im lucky i have a good counselor who i like and can talk to. Im trying not to overeat but those medications.. they do make it hard. At the hospital, the nurses forgot my birth control pills, so im all messed up and my hormones are out of whack. Sigh.
My puppy is growing up big and healthy (though right now she is still tiny and cute ^.^ ) We adopted her from the shelter two weeks ago. Her name is Memphis, as in Egypt, or as in Tennessee. She's a Golden Retriever mix, but she practically looks full golden. She's beautiful, soft, smart, and sweet as can be. Pictures, yes?
sleeepy!
She is so the love of my life.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
worry worry
oh my god. i havent felt hunger pains like this in so long. its a hard hill to get over at first. but its easier the second time around
im doing really good though, i've already lost four pounds
constant anxiety.... I have so much homework and studying, but i don't have the concentration for it. My mind just goes blank. I just sit there, drinking diet drinks and cringing every time my stomach cries out. there's nothing in my brain. they don't understand that.
i've had more to eat today than the rest of this week - i had an 80 calorie whole grain waffle for breakfast. i had a lot of animal crackers for lunch =/ and i had a banana which made me really sick... now im trying to drink some hot egg soup but it's not working out very well.
this is hard.. but it's worth it.
im doing really good though, i've already lost four pounds
constant anxiety.... I have so much homework and studying, but i don't have the concentration for it. My mind just goes blank. I just sit there, drinking diet drinks and cringing every time my stomach cries out. there's nothing in my brain. they don't understand that.
i've had more to eat today than the rest of this week - i had an 80 calorie whole grain waffle for breakfast. i had a lot of animal crackers for lunch =/ and i had a banana which made me really sick... now im trying to drink some hot egg soup but it's not working out very well.
this is hard.. but it's worth it.
Monday, August 30, 2010
hey, GUESS WHAT?
food doesnt CONTROL me!
i like liquids.. and cigarettes. People don't understand how the feeling of empty is so satisfying. It makes me feel so good!
i like liquids.. and cigarettes. People don't understand how the feeling of empty is so satisfying. It makes me feel so good!
Monday, July 12, 2010
Inspired?
You should be. Reach your potential. Be what makes you feel beautiful, no matter what other people say. You have the strength to do it.
Because im in a show and its intensive, i cant restrict and fast much, because i canNOT afford dizziness, weakness, or (especially) passing out. But im focusing on eating healthy low cal foods, just enough to get me through. I burn a lot in rehearsals anyway with all the dancing and stuff.
Today, i had a popsicle when i woke up. I ate a Fiber One bar before i worked out, for fuel. After my workout, to re-fuel, i had 100-cal strawberry banana yogurt! yum.
And im focusing on a no guilt rule. im doing what i need to do.
Also, i want all of you to remember that every girl is different. Every dieter, every ana, everyone who wants to feel good about themselves. Dont think "Wow, her low weight is so much lower than mine!" Im not built with a rail-thin frame, even if i want to be. So if i reach 120, im doing awesome! 120 for other girls might be bad, because they are aiming for 105. You know? Dont compare. Just figure out what is right for you, and what works best for you and who you are. You're wonderfully unique.
Love, Ana.
xoxo
Because im in a show and its intensive, i cant restrict and fast much, because i canNOT afford dizziness, weakness, or (especially) passing out. But im focusing on eating healthy low cal foods, just enough to get me through. I burn a lot in rehearsals anyway with all the dancing and stuff.
Today, i had a popsicle when i woke up. I ate a Fiber One bar before i worked out, for fuel. After my workout, to re-fuel, i had 100-cal strawberry banana yogurt! yum.
And im focusing on a no guilt rule. im doing what i need to do.
Also, i want all of you to remember that every girl is different. Every dieter, every ana, everyone who wants to feel good about themselves. Dont think "Wow, her low weight is so much lower than mine!" Im not built with a rail-thin frame, even if i want to be. So if i reach 120, im doing awesome! 120 for other girls might be bad, because they are aiming for 105. You know? Dont compare. Just figure out what is right for you, and what works best for you and who you are. You're wonderfully unique.
Love, Ana.
xoxo
Friday, May 28, 2010
This sucks
I can really tell the birth control is getting to me. I overeat, which everyone else says is normal, but i call it binging. My boobs are getting bigger too... I just really want these pounds off but they're gonna freak if they notice im going ana again! uugughghg i HATE being so big! Ive put on at least ten pounds. I do not go anywhere near a scale... Seeing those numbers would make me cry and SI, surely, and who knows, induce a panic attack or something. I dont care if i sound pitiful, i fucking dont like being fat, okay? You guys understand that, i know you do.
Today i ate some toast for breakfast.. Some noodles for lunch.. Some popcorn for a snack.. Tofu & Broccoli for dinner. Now if i can stop for the night i wont totally hate myself. I feel like a fatass already. I've gotta pump up my workout regime. I dont wanna run outside since its summer, its in the nineties with high humidity in Louisiana =( i'll figure something out. I will not start tomorrow. I start now, every moment is a beginning. I will not fail, because all it takes is determination. ive done this before, my waistline shrunk beautifully... i want that back!
anyway, im just sick today, walking around in my pjs with nothing to do, feeling shitty from my meds. i got bumped up to 1000mg so my body's adjusting.. wooo. and my boyfriend's out of town. sigh.
fucking depressed as hell. but i still love you all.
Today i ate some toast for breakfast.. Some noodles for lunch.. Some popcorn for a snack.. Tofu & Broccoli for dinner. Now if i can stop for the night i wont totally hate myself. I feel like a fatass already. I've gotta pump up my workout regime. I dont wanna run outside since its summer, its in the nineties with high humidity in Louisiana =( i'll figure something out. I will not start tomorrow. I start now, every moment is a beginning. I will not fail, because all it takes is determination. ive done this before, my waistline shrunk beautifully... i want that back!
anyway, im just sick today, walking around in my pjs with nothing to do, feeling shitty from my meds. i got bumped up to 1000mg so my body's adjusting.. wooo. and my boyfriend's out of town. sigh.
fucking depressed as hell. but i still love you all.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Finally!
I wasn't hungry today! Yes!
I still ate, i didn't keep a log, but it wasn't nearly as bad.
I didnt... disgust myself.
Hopefully that means my body is adjusting to my meds.
Remember my main blogging is done on shitwreckedbipolar.blogspot.com
stay beautiful.
I still ate, i didn't keep a log, but it wasn't nearly as bad.
I didnt... disgust myself.
Hopefully that means my body is adjusting to my meds.
Remember my main blogging is done on shitwreckedbipolar.blogspot.com
stay beautiful.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Relocation
I'm very sorry, readers, that Ana had to die for a few months. I was forced to abandon this site for "recovery" purposes. I've switched to new docs, im on new meds, etc.
Now im primarily on my other blog: http://shitwreckedbipolar.blogspot.com
But ill still post here every now and then.
It deals with my daily adventure called life, the ups and downs, the struggles we all face.
Please, come join and follow me there! I'd love to have some lovely ladies (and gentlemen) to get back in touch with. i'll be all over your blogs in the next few days, you can count on it! =)
The weight gain is absolutely killing me. Scales give me awful anxiety. But.. its a tough road to travel. More about it on Shitwrecked, the new site.
I love you all.
-Ana
Now im primarily on my other blog: http://shitwreckedbipolar.blogspot.com
But ill still post here every now and then.
It deals with my daily adventure called life, the ups and downs, the struggles we all face.
Please, come join and follow me there! I'd love to have some lovely ladies (and gentlemen) to get back in touch with. i'll be all over your blogs in the next few days, you can count on it! =)
The weight gain is absolutely killing me. Scales give me awful anxiety. But.. its a tough road to travel. More about it on Shitwrecked, the new site.
I love you all.
-Ana
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
That way madness lies.
Hello everyone.
I dont think i can even calculate any sort of "average" mood since the last time i posted.
Absolutely
Freaking
Insane.
Meltdowns and tantrums and screwups galore.
Its the always-unpredictable mood swings, some days wanting to throw my entire self into being and feeling and working. some days wanting to throw myself off of a very tall bridge covered in open wounds and land in a lake of peroxide. Some days calm, floating on the surface.. Battling insomnia by alphabetizing my bookshelves.
im growing too accustomed to it. but, luckily, i can still loathe it.
the eating has been on and off. food can be gross or weird or unnecessary. eating a tedious task. or somedays i eat just fine, like 'normal' people. Today, i got fed a gigantic meal by two of my most darling friends who thought i hadnt been eating enough.
i really do get to reflect on and appreciate people i have in my life. to make me food, to hold me when crying, to sit for endless minutes in complete silence... i imagine i would be much worse off without them. i dont even want to think about it.
im gearing up for a new show, trying to keep my GPA afloat, and manage sanity on a daily basis. i quit my old therapist (thank the gods) but my mothers sending me to another one, once a week. its alright though, we've already had an intro session. she seems cool.
one of my poems was published in the school paper. it wasnt supposed to have my name on it, but it did. i had a minor tizz and spaz, because im very reserved with anything i create. but oh well.
i guess its fine
:)
there is so much to write about.. but im so very tired... so much to do! i wish sleep were unnecessary as well. hmph.
i PROMISE to give a full update soon. lots of interesting tidbits and inspiration to share :)
i havent gained any of the weight that i've lost back. so im thankful for that. we'll see where things go from here.
goodnight, sweet dreams.
I dont think i can even calculate any sort of "average" mood since the last time i posted.
Absolutely
Freaking
Insane.
Meltdowns and tantrums and screwups galore.
Its the always-unpredictable mood swings, some days wanting to throw my entire self into being and feeling and working. some days wanting to throw myself off of a very tall bridge covered in open wounds and land in a lake of peroxide. Some days calm, floating on the surface.. Battling insomnia by alphabetizing my bookshelves.
im growing too accustomed to it. but, luckily, i can still loathe it.
the eating has been on and off. food can be gross or weird or unnecessary. eating a tedious task. or somedays i eat just fine, like 'normal' people. Today, i got fed a gigantic meal by two of my most darling friends who thought i hadnt been eating enough.
i really do get to reflect on and appreciate people i have in my life. to make me food, to hold me when crying, to sit for endless minutes in complete silence... i imagine i would be much worse off without them. i dont even want to think about it.
im gearing up for a new show, trying to keep my GPA afloat, and manage sanity on a daily basis. i quit my old therapist (thank the gods) but my mothers sending me to another one, once a week. its alright though, we've already had an intro session. she seems cool.
one of my poems was published in the school paper. it wasnt supposed to have my name on it, but it did. i had a minor tizz and spaz, because im very reserved with anything i create. but oh well.
i guess its fine
:)
there is so much to write about.. but im so very tired... so much to do! i wish sleep were unnecessary as well. hmph.
i PROMISE to give a full update soon. lots of interesting tidbits and inspiration to share :)
i havent gained any of the weight that i've lost back. so im thankful for that. we'll see where things go from here.
goodnight, sweet dreams.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Make not thy thoughts thy prisons
I know its been too long.
i document the truth. therefore, i haven't wanted to document the reality that is my failure.
well, on and off. ive managed 300 calorie days, ive managed days where i say "You know what world, im hungry! And im going to eat this donut!"
It bounces back and forth like my moods and general sanity have been.
I could update on so much.. but i hardly want to remember it all.
I had a nice low-key new year celebration.. ate celery to my heart's content.
School has resumed for me. Which sucks to the extreme. But there's nothing i can do about it.
I just plow through and bear it, depressed and starving, usually. It helps a great deal
I don't feel quite so free to document the truth anymore, since this blog has been discovered by people i know. For that, im sorry. You, faithful readers, deserve the truth.
Ive gotten a fresh haircut and fresh outlooks on life.
Sort of.
A personal reinvention, perhaps.
I've got to get majorly strict and only eat when mandatory for the next two weeks, okay? HOLD ME TO IT.
I just want to drug myself to sleep during all of my free time nowadays. If there werent a small part of me that still feared failure, i would almost give up on life, i think. i would descend into an ugly immoral place.
Depression medicine plus red bull plus sedatives plus cigarettes plus wine
equals
insanity.
Just so you know.
"She hath pursued conclusions infinite
Of easy ways to die"
Antony and Cleopatra, act V
I love that play. Read it someday. Or sparknote it, even.
I have pursued conclusions infinite...
i document the truth. therefore, i haven't wanted to document the reality that is my failure.
well, on and off. ive managed 300 calorie days, ive managed days where i say "You know what world, im hungry! And im going to eat this donut!"
It bounces back and forth like my moods and general sanity have been.
I could update on so much.. but i hardly want to remember it all.
I had a nice low-key new year celebration.. ate celery to my heart's content.
School has resumed for me. Which sucks to the extreme. But there's nothing i can do about it.
I just plow through and bear it, depressed and starving, usually. It helps a great deal
I don't feel quite so free to document the truth anymore, since this blog has been discovered by people i know. For that, im sorry. You, faithful readers, deserve the truth.
Ive gotten a fresh haircut and fresh outlooks on life.
Sort of.
A personal reinvention, perhaps.
I've got to get majorly strict and only eat when mandatory for the next two weeks, okay? HOLD ME TO IT.
I just want to drug myself to sleep during all of my free time nowadays. If there werent a small part of me that still feared failure, i would almost give up on life, i think. i would descend into an ugly immoral place.
Depression medicine plus red bull plus sedatives plus cigarettes plus wine
equals
insanity.
Just so you know.
"She hath pursued conclusions infinite
Of easy ways to die"
Antony and Cleopatra, act V
I love that play. Read it someday. Or sparknote it, even.
I have pursued conclusions infinite...
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