Monday, December 12, 2011


I didnt eat until dinner time, when i had a little fried rice. Literally the only edible item in the caf without meat in it. I also had some potatoes later, at like 9:30. I dont feel too bad about today.
Studyinggggggmy ass off! bye!
i got pretty hungry so i hate a 120 calorie cashew bar. ill probably sleep through lunch. ill wake up and drink a shake,  and then visit the provost. ill go exercise, perhaps. ill clean and do laundry through dinner time. then ill study some more. ill make sure i get good sleep so i can study some more tuesday during the day

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Ive been so busy

Studying for finals that i've hardly been watching my food. Its really bad. But this week, when i eat at all, i will be drinking my ultra shakes. I plan to drop the couple of pounds ive gained (from getting high and hungry all the time) by the time i go home on Friday. Over christmas break, i will lose ten pounds (thats a little over three weeks, by the way)
Im much better at this when im at home, for some reason.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Oh, not again.

Well, im not nearly as sick as I have been. But boy, have I been on an emotional roller-coaster. I've felt terrible, then peaceful, then good, then shitty, then sad, then okay, then angry, then great, then happy, then fucking ridiculous. Its so much i can't even give any details. But, I'm just struggling with choices. Putting myself into situations that may not turn out so well. My reactions to things. Holding my tongue - that's a big one. I let my heart run ahead of me and I say things I later regret.

Overall, the past couple of days have been great. There are minor issues here and there that get me worked up occasionally, but i've done an exceptional job at keeping my chin up and remaining happy. I'm getting used to being me again. Getting used to being unattached again. I can't wait to fully recover from this latest episode and move on with my life. Deepen friendships, have good times, form great memories, and find wonderful people to love. Especially a nice boy. I'm not worried about it, I'm not one of those people who needs relationships to be fulfilled. I just realized that I really deserve a good guy, a good relationship. I deserve to be treated properly, so I'm going to make it happen. Good things come to patient people. I'm just letting the events of my life come as they are, going with the flow. Trying to keep up with school (been hard to concentrate lately - medication thing? I dont know what to do about it), trying to keep up with responsibilities and commitments, but accepting my limits. Knowing where I need to stop to stay healthy. Its a work in progress, and it'll always be something i'll have to think about, but i'm getting better every day. Im stepping back and doing what i need to do, what's good for me - for the first time in a while, i'm truly proud of myself.

I've realized what an amazing support system i have around me that i haven't been taking advantage of. I have so many friends and sisters, and even the ones i'm not as close to, i can still depend on. Ive been having many heart-to-hearts, good conversations, great times, and bonding experiences with people lately. Like i mentioned, my friends all came and took care of me when i was ill, even cleaned and mopped up my room. My dear friend let me cry on his shoulder the other night, and kept asking me how i was doing and if i needed anything. He came outside in the cold at 3 in the morning to talk to me. My other friends always let me vent or give me advice/opinions when i need them... they are always there to listen. I am always there for them as well, and it just amazes me that i haven't opened my eyes to this before. My friends care about me so much that they don't care if i don't like it when they get on to me for slacking off, for making stupid decisions, for letting people walk over me. They will tell me honestly what I am doing wrong and offer any help they can to fix it. I can never thank them enough for what they do. They keep me going. That is what I am thankful for this next week of Thanksgiving.

Im not going to settle for less than I deserve. I'm not going to put myself in a hole again by making poor choices or not taking care of myself. I am going to fight a good fight. I promise myself this.

I wish you peace and good health,

Sunday, November 13, 2011

this is torturous

ive been very sick, puking all day, cant eat or drink without vomming, very dehydrated.
trying to sleep and drink water, perhaps eat some broth.
on the one hand its good because i have been trying to cut down, so i really dont care that i couldnt eat. its only bothersome because of how incredibly weak and unfocused i am. i really need to do homework. i bet ill get an extension if i go to the ER which my friends almost took me to earlier. alas.
ill just keep sipping water and resting.
love to all

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

A fit of weakness

I was bad. I got hungry and thought "ill just eat some chicken noodle soup... its only two hundred calories and ill run afterward" so i ate it, then my friend has fries and i ate some of those too. i ate way too much food and i feel full and sick and terrible. Time to break out the discipline. By this, i mean cutting. I cut when i don't do well. It keeps me in line. At least, it worked before.

Tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow will be better.

Going strong despite struggles

Ate dinner, pack of crackers, 190 cals. Hitting me for sure. Feeling te exhaustion, but it will be gone soon. A little hunger pain, mostly satisfied by cigarettes. Wanting food, not going to have it. Just need to hold out a few days until i get used to this again. Brain not really functioning, i just woke up from a nap though. Im tired from the lack of fuel, my body has to start regulating itself again. It'll get accustomed to the food intake and function well again. I need to get some work done tonight because i have nothing else to do. However, if i go to bed early, i can probably get up for 7am yoga class. That would be really nice. Ill probably miss Thursday's. Cant wait for this weekend to come. I have to go to a retreat, but it wont be so bad, im actually really looking forward to it, Trying to concentrate on my friends and sisters this week, rather than boy. I get to help with campus tours Saturday and then go to the auction. Cant wait for auction, i think it will be wildly successful! The work needs to lessen so i can handle it better.
Total food log
Breakfast- coffee, 1 piece toast with peanut butter
Lunch- coffee
Dinner- 1 pack crackers, 190 cal

Im going to stay under my total calorie count every day, because i need at least 100 cals of free space to feign eating during mealtimes. My friends and I always eat meals together and they'll definitely get suspicious if i stop going or eating entirely.
So if i project 500 cals, ill stay at 400 calculated cals and leave 100 for pretending to eat in the Caf. etc.
Im restricting hardcore so i can come back a skinny bitch after Xmas break next semester. Im going to stay here and im going to have a successful freshman year, I have goals and i will stick to them. And i will loko great doing it!
Thus, im beginning my restriction at 500 rather than the typical 1000 minus 100 every day until i reach 500. Ill do 500 for one to two weeks until i feel like dropping. Then ill keep my calorie max at 500 but aim for 300-400. Ill drop to 200 eventually and ill fast over christmas break. Im cutting out alcohol calories completely, so im going to replace my drinking with more marijuana smoking. Should work out nicely, i love smoking. just more expensive.
im avoiding liquid cals other than coffee as well. Lots of water for me!

So thats my plan. Im doing good. :)
Love you all.