Im sorry im posting so much, especially after that long one, but i don't know where else to get it out. Really, you can click off this page right now so you dont have to read the utter crap.
i am crashing, i am spiraling
ugh ugh ugh
i am terrible terrible terrible
guilty guilty guilty
cant you see the sin covering me??? the wretched beast typing out each letter?!
i want to shout my apologies to the heavens but i am too ashamed. i will crawl in the dirt and lie with the scum of the earth where i belong. i am disgusting. i lie and i curse and i hate and i hurt and im SO SICK but i cant stop! WHY?!
At least i dont feel worthy of food.
i am afraid
afraid that after Boyfriend there will be no one else for me. i will be alone. i don't lean on anyone. not family, not friends. there will be me and my thoughts and my destruction... who knows when the next fool will come along to love me, if ever? i shouldn't care.
afraid that my heart will be so shattered and his will be fine. he will live an amazing, incredible life. and i want him to. but i will be left in the dust with nothing. i guess it's what i deserve. i feel ashamed for falling in love so fast and so deeply. it must be my stupid adolescent hormones. i ought to be more mature. i ought to be strong, like him. i ought to be everything i am not
Boyfriend, i will let you read this one day.
Maybe you are here. Maybe you are gone and can't see the tears in my eyes.
But i am so sorry. For what i have become. For dragging you into this.
Sorry that you ever had to meet me.
But i will never be sorry i met you.
I will never be sorry i love you.
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