The days don't feel right to me.
It seems like they're all mixed up.
today is sunday?
weird.
Christmas is finally over.
I am back to restriction.
I will lose the weight
I will.
I've only had halves... Half a bagel. Half a wrap.
Gotta ease
back
down.
Grounded.
How nice.
Oh well. I'm spending the last week
of break being lazy, anyway.
I just finished "Because I Am Furniture"
By Thalia Chaltas
I wish i were furniture
sometimes
So that i wouldn't be seen
I wouldn't be noticed
How nice.
Bought some new clothes
They are my reward for losing the weight. No wearing them
Until then. And they are very
Cute.
I am gearing back up for this
and it feels so much better.
such a relief.
today is a sunday-blues feeling.
i'd like to go for a walk
down to the park
to swing
back
and forth.
back
and forth.
mind-numbing
i'm not sure what to do with myself but read and write.
waste the day.
sounds like a plan.
i suck at catching up on comments and reading other blogs. i will. i swear. i think.
s'later
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Fa La La La La...
and here It is.
Christmas eve and christmas day tomorrow..
there is food everywhere. my family knows about me. they tell me to "suspend" my diet. *sigh*
One more day of this weight-gaining hell and i can go back to CR and mini-fasts
I've been going for walks.
They're wonderful. But it really bothers me that cars feel compelled to move to the flipping opposite lane entirely even though im four feet off the road. YOU ARENT GOING TO HIT ME. Im gonna start walking in the middle of the road, might as well.
I just ate two biscuits, green beens, and some stuffing. My tummy hurts.
Family is here. They haven't wondered where i am yet.
Also, i hate "Santa Claus." Fine if you're a liar and a pagan but really, why do we let our children believe in this mythical man that breaks and enters your house at night?
Children should know that their parents give them gifts so that they can be grateful for their parents and the time and money they've spent. Not thanking some imaginary fat old guy.
We put his image on our trees and front yards, figurines in our houses, sing songs about him. Its like we worship the guy. Companies use him to get money. Along with him i also include the reindeer, talking snowmen, santa's elves, etc. It's just all sickening. Do you guys have any views? Feel free to disagree.
Agh they're talking about me, i can hear them. I should go back now. S'laters.
Christmas eve and christmas day tomorrow..
there is food everywhere. my family knows about me. they tell me to "suspend" my diet. *sigh*
One more day of this weight-gaining hell and i can go back to CR and mini-fasts
I've been going for walks.
They're wonderful. But it really bothers me that cars feel compelled to move to the flipping opposite lane entirely even though im four feet off the road. YOU ARENT GOING TO HIT ME. Im gonna start walking in the middle of the road, might as well.
I just ate two biscuits, green beens, and some stuffing. My tummy hurts.
Family is here. They haven't wondered where i am yet.
Also, i hate "Santa Claus." Fine if you're a liar and a pagan but really, why do we let our children believe in this mythical man that breaks and enters your house at night?
Children should know that their parents give them gifts so that they can be grateful for their parents and the time and money they've spent. Not thanking some imaginary fat old guy.
We put his image on our trees and front yards, figurines in our houses, sing songs about him. Its like we worship the guy. Companies use him to get money. Along with him i also include the reindeer, talking snowmen, santa's elves, etc. It's just all sickening. Do you guys have any views? Feel free to disagree.
Agh they're talking about me, i can hear them. I should go back now. S'laters.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Maniacccc
Hello Anas of Blogdom!
I am not so sick that i can't recognize hypomania when it hits. I am on a high and loving every second of it!
I am happy and light and free and fabulous. I spent literally every dime i had today buying christmas presents because i want my loves to have great gifts =D
i got up early to walk the dog, looking homeless again, haha.
i ate apple sauce (100) and tuna (80), walked some of it off.
I shopped and painted, i had forgotten my love of art. Swirling colors and mixed emotions, expression and realization, ideas and wonder and darkness and light. Kind of like my mind right now.
Went out to dinner with my fam. I just ate salad, plain lettuce. A tiny bit of cheese on top. A tiny bit of caesar dressing. My mom plopped a piece of gross pizza in front of me, so i soaked up the oils and picked off all the excess cheese, so it wasn't too bad... I still feel okay about the day.
Time to workout while i watch The Office! I love this boundless energy! Every particle is alive, vibrating, glowing, feeling, screaming! I soak up sounds and smells and words warm me like hot chocolate. Ideas fly by and i don't even mind. Shattering lights, i should write i new poem! I should post a poem. I've never posted poems here before, have i?
I am not so sick that i can't recognize hypomania when it hits. I am on a high and loving every second of it!
I am happy and light and free and fabulous. I spent literally every dime i had today buying christmas presents because i want my loves to have great gifts =D
i got up early to walk the dog, looking homeless again, haha.
i ate apple sauce (100) and tuna (80), walked some of it off.
I shopped and painted, i had forgotten my love of art. Swirling colors and mixed emotions, expression and realization, ideas and wonder and darkness and light. Kind of like my mind right now.
Went out to dinner with my fam. I just ate salad, plain lettuce. A tiny bit of cheese on top. A tiny bit of caesar dressing. My mom plopped a piece of gross pizza in front of me, so i soaked up the oils and picked off all the excess cheese, so it wasn't too bad... I still feel okay about the day.
Time to workout while i watch The Office! I love this boundless energy! Every particle is alive, vibrating, glowing, feeling, screaming! I soak up sounds and smells and words warm me like hot chocolate. Ideas fly by and i don't even mind. Shattering lights, i should write i new poem! I should post a poem. I've never posted poems here before, have i?
i'm sorry i probably sound crazy, tis the price i pay for bliss :) i want to walk the shadows of the night...
sometimes i am afraid when i am so good that i will let my eating get out of control. i can never really tell. i'll just be a good girl and go do some situps!
s'latersss
Monday, December 21, 2009
It's Been Far Too Long
I am all. over. the. map.
Sometimes i just don't care whatsoever. I lie on the couch and waste my brain cells watching TV (which was a good tip, btw). I don't think about other's feelings. I laugh at their pain. I live with gray skies, satisfied. I just can't feel.
Sometimes, i snap into these crazy awesome moods. I care. I like christmas. I read my Bible like crazy and i'd rather pray than count calories. I talk to old friends, i eat food i want, my social anxiety disappears, i want to dance in the sun, i feel... incredible.
I haven't felt angry in a long time.
I need to talk to my docs about these meds. I still have so much anxiety. I avoid chats, i avoid phone calls, i avoid people i know if i see them in public. It's very odd. I just can't stand speaking to them, even if i love them. I dont know why. I don't have as many physical side effects, its true, like shaking hands. I still have breathing trouble and tension headaches and such. I guess it's getting better. It's just a very bothersome thing.
I ate a rather large sushi dinner tonight, which i felt okay about, because i didn't have much beforehand..
whatever. i will not fail.
this weekend i had THE BINGE. You know the one. You've been restricting and fasting like a good girl, and you feel great, but then.. it's there. that crazy itch for food. for fat. something you usually fear. so you satisfy it with just a little bit of the "bad" foods. but it isn't enough. it keeps coming back for more. The Binge.
Then i reunited with an old friend. Purge. Hmm. I don't think it was all intentional, my stomach was in turmoil from all that food. I felt so much better afterward. Can't make a habit of that one though. Have to get a hold on myself. I can do this.
Can't sleep tonight. Didn't take any melatonin. Oh well. I'm staying up to watch that 70's show. What else is there to do? Nothing. Nothing in this crap house in this crap town. There aren't even hoodlums out to go meet up with! Madness.
Marya's Madness is a very good book, btw. I read it for pleasure. Check it out!
I suppose that's it. Love you all.
S'laters
Sometimes i just don't care whatsoever. I lie on the couch and waste my brain cells watching TV (which was a good tip, btw). I don't think about other's feelings. I laugh at their pain. I live with gray skies, satisfied. I just can't feel.
Sometimes, i snap into these crazy awesome moods. I care. I like christmas. I read my Bible like crazy and i'd rather pray than count calories. I talk to old friends, i eat food i want, my social anxiety disappears, i want to dance in the sun, i feel... incredible.
I haven't felt angry in a long time.
I need to talk to my docs about these meds. I still have so much anxiety. I avoid chats, i avoid phone calls, i avoid people i know if i see them in public. It's very odd. I just can't stand speaking to them, even if i love them. I dont know why. I don't have as many physical side effects, its true, like shaking hands. I still have breathing trouble and tension headaches and such. I guess it's getting better. It's just a very bothersome thing.
I ate a rather large sushi dinner tonight, which i felt okay about, because i didn't have much beforehand..
whatever. i will not fail.
this weekend i had THE BINGE. You know the one. You've been restricting and fasting like a good girl, and you feel great, but then.. it's there. that crazy itch for food. for fat. something you usually fear. so you satisfy it with just a little bit of the "bad" foods. but it isn't enough. it keeps coming back for more. The Binge.
Then i reunited with an old friend. Purge. Hmm. I don't think it was all intentional, my stomach was in turmoil from all that food. I felt so much better afterward. Can't make a habit of that one though. Have to get a hold on myself. I can do this.
Can't sleep tonight. Didn't take any melatonin. Oh well. I'm staying up to watch that 70's show. What else is there to do? Nothing. Nothing in this crap house in this crap town. There aren't even hoodlums out to go meet up with! Madness.
Marya's Madness is a very good book, btw. I read it for pleasure. Check it out!
I suppose that's it. Love you all.
S'laters
Sunday, December 20, 2009
It's Too Crowded in Here
I hate that feeling... when thoughts keep rushing through your mind and you can't get them to slow down, not even a little bit. They're just zooming past. You ask them nicely to go away, but they ignore you. You're screaming at them. Trying to pry them from the walls of your brain. They must be super-glued :(
Lately I feel that way. I can't stop thinking about things that worry me and cause me sorrow. Things i probably shouldn't even worry about. My mind's to foggy to write them all out. They mostly have to do with the future and my life. I must be really self-centered. I wish i'd stop wallowing in self-pity. If i think about how much things suck, i think about how i wish they were. Then i think about how stupid i am for being jealous of other people, that i should be content with what i have. Then i think about how ungrateful i am for not being content. Then i think about how badly i wish i were in a coma.
If anyone's heard of a way to turn my mind off for a few hours, let me know, k?
I had to get up and go to my mother's large church this morning for their special christmas program. It was nice but then we had to go out to eat... Ate a really large lunch, but it was about 400 calories. As long as i don't eat the rest of the day i'll be fine with that.
I really want to go for a long walk, but it's cold and my bed is warm.. I'm going to make myself soon enough, though.
Christmas is getting ever closer. Ugh. I can't wait until it's over. I like New Years more.
Love to you all.
s'later
Lately I feel that way. I can't stop thinking about things that worry me and cause me sorrow. Things i probably shouldn't even worry about. My mind's to foggy to write them all out. They mostly have to do with the future and my life. I must be really self-centered. I wish i'd stop wallowing in self-pity. If i think about how much things suck, i think about how i wish they were. Then i think about how stupid i am for being jealous of other people, that i should be content with what i have. Then i think about how ungrateful i am for not being content. Then i think about how badly i wish i were in a coma.
If anyone's heard of a way to turn my mind off for a few hours, let me know, k?
I had to get up and go to my mother's large church this morning for their special christmas program. It was nice but then we had to go out to eat... Ate a really large lunch, but it was about 400 calories. As long as i don't eat the rest of the day i'll be fine with that.
I really want to go for a long walk, but it's cold and my bed is warm.. I'm going to make myself soon enough, though.
Christmas is getting ever closer. Ugh. I can't wait until it's over. I like New Years more.
Love to you all.
s'later
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Hunger? What?
I've got my (semi-) rational mind back.
I tried to start a weekend fast, mom ruined it, but oh well. I've still reached my first goal weight! Onto the second...
Also, i picked up some supplements including things like ginger, cayenne, fennel, etc.
I love the feeling of being light and empty. Weak and faint. It means i'm doing something right. I can feel myself wasting away.. My mind feels okay, but my body is just soo tired. I've been zapped of energy. Anything that can help?
I ate a few orange slices this morning. Took my dog on an early walk.. Still had pajamas and bedhair and boots on, i probably looked like the neighborhood bag lady. haha. It was nice outside, though. I've done a mini-workout with some ab and leg work, i'm feeling pretty good. My shower was so hot, my skin is practically sore. It felt wonderful.
I really don't want to talk to people i know today, but i feel awful ignoring chats. Urgh.
Oh, and sorry if i totally suck at replying to/looking at comments and such, i haven't had the time, and when i do, i forget. Yes yes, i'm lame, but i'll get to it soon.
It's like every day is a game: "how long can i go without being forced to eat today?"
i just want to sleeeeeep.
good luck to you all.
---
my head is pounding. my mother has brought home mountains of groceries. "We need extra, your sisters are coming home." Ha. They may gobble it up and pay for it in pounds, but i will not. my mother is already cooking. Cookies, fudge, etc... Everything i want to avoid. The smell is everywhere in the house, i can't escape it, I'm going to have to go for a walk. There is nothing on TV that interests me enough to keep me awake.
Maybe i'll rent a movie. One that has nothing to do with Christmas, might i add.
"Honey, are you feeling alright today?"
"Yep."
"Come on, whats wrong?"
"Nothing"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Okay.."
Ha. Getting rid of parents is too easy. i really ought to go run..
I tried to start a weekend fast, mom ruined it, but oh well. I've still reached my first goal weight! Onto the second...
Also, i picked up some supplements including things like ginger, cayenne, fennel, etc.
I love the feeling of being light and empty. Weak and faint. It means i'm doing something right. I can feel myself wasting away.. My mind feels okay, but my body is just soo tired. I've been zapped of energy. Anything that can help?
I ate a few orange slices this morning. Took my dog on an early walk.. Still had pajamas and bedhair and boots on, i probably looked like the neighborhood bag lady. haha. It was nice outside, though. I've done a mini-workout with some ab and leg work, i'm feeling pretty good. My shower was so hot, my skin is practically sore. It felt wonderful.
I really don't want to talk to people i know today, but i feel awful ignoring chats. Urgh.
Oh, and sorry if i totally suck at replying to/looking at comments and such, i haven't had the time, and when i do, i forget. Yes yes, i'm lame, but i'll get to it soon.
It's like every day is a game: "how long can i go without being forced to eat today?"
i just want to sleeeeeep.
good luck to you all.
---
my head is pounding. my mother has brought home mountains of groceries. "We need extra, your sisters are coming home." Ha. They may gobble it up and pay for it in pounds, but i will not. my mother is already cooking. Cookies, fudge, etc... Everything i want to avoid. The smell is everywhere in the house, i can't escape it, I'm going to have to go for a walk. There is nothing on TV that interests me enough to keep me awake.
Maybe i'll rent a movie. One that has nothing to do with Christmas, might i add.
"Honey, are you feeling alright today?"
"Yep."
"Come on, whats wrong?"
"Nothing"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Okay.."
Ha. Getting rid of parents is too easy. i really ought to go run..
Friday, December 18, 2009
No Surprise There
Taking a weekend break.
I am awake at 7:30 for no reason.
I spiraled yesterday and i will bounce right back up today.
Story of my life. Sickening.
I will fast today.
Please, let me go back to sleep.
I am awake at 7:30 for no reason.
I spiraled yesterday and i will bounce right back up today.
Story of my life. Sickening.
I will fast today.
Please, let me go back to sleep.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Crash-Shatter-Crash
Im sorry im posting so much, especially after that long one, but i don't know where else to get it out. Really, you can click off this page right now so you dont have to read the utter crap.
i am crashing, i am spiraling
ugh ugh ugh
i am terrible terrible terrible
guilty guilty guilty
cant you see the sin covering me??? the wretched beast typing out each letter?!
i want to shout my apologies to the heavens but i am too ashamed. i will crawl in the dirt and lie with the scum of the earth where i belong. i am disgusting. i lie and i curse and i hate and i hurt and im SO SICK but i cant stop! WHY?!
At least i dont feel worthy of food.
i am afraid
afraid that after Boyfriend there will be no one else for me. i will be alone. i don't lean on anyone. not family, not friends. there will be me and my thoughts and my destruction... who knows when the next fool will come along to love me, if ever? i shouldn't care.
afraid that my heart will be so shattered and his will be fine. he will live an amazing, incredible life. and i want him to. but i will be left in the dust with nothing. i guess it's what i deserve. i feel ashamed for falling in love so fast and so deeply. it must be my stupid adolescent hormones. i ought to be more mature. i ought to be strong, like him. i ought to be everything i am not
Boyfriend, i will let you read this one day.
Maybe you are here. Maybe you are gone and can't see the tears in my eyes.
But i am so sorry. For what i have become. For dragging you into this.
Sorry that you ever had to meet me.
But i will never be sorry i met you.
I will never be sorry i love you.
i am crashing, i am spiraling
ugh ugh ugh
i am terrible terrible terrible
guilty guilty guilty
cant you see the sin covering me??? the wretched beast typing out each letter?!
i want to shout my apologies to the heavens but i am too ashamed. i will crawl in the dirt and lie with the scum of the earth where i belong. i am disgusting. i lie and i curse and i hate and i hurt and im SO SICK but i cant stop! WHY?!
At least i dont feel worthy of food.
i am afraid
afraid that after Boyfriend there will be no one else for me. i will be alone. i don't lean on anyone. not family, not friends. there will be me and my thoughts and my destruction... who knows when the next fool will come along to love me, if ever? i shouldn't care.
afraid that my heart will be so shattered and his will be fine. he will live an amazing, incredible life. and i want him to. but i will be left in the dust with nothing. i guess it's what i deserve. i feel ashamed for falling in love so fast and so deeply. it must be my stupid adolescent hormones. i ought to be more mature. i ought to be strong, like him. i ought to be everything i am not
Boyfriend, i will let you read this one day.
Maybe you are here. Maybe you are gone and can't see the tears in my eyes.
But i am so sorry. For what i have become. For dragging you into this.
Sorry that you ever had to meet me.
But i will never be sorry i met you.
I will never be sorry i love you.
Hey Room, You're Spinning An Awful Lot
ugh ugh ughhhh.
Don't get me wrong, this started as a great day. Didn't fail my final.
I'm worried Boyfriend is going to find this blog. I told him i have one, but he doesn't know the name. He doesn't know about my love affair with Ana.
He saw me looking at some stuff on here earlier. I'm afraid he'll search it when he gets home. Which will be right about now...
I don't know. I'll just bite my fingernails and hope he forgets.
Today we talked about children and marriage. I talked about how hopeless i feel that any sensible man will want to put up with me. That i don't want to raise fuckup children that live like me.
So i was doing really good today. Drinking lots of lemon water, eating some tuna. I was at 160 cals and planned to keep it that way.
BUT..
Then my grandmother decided to make us a TON of food. I couldn't say no and waste all her efforts, she's so nice! I can't even write what i've eaten, but it's a ton. I can't even purge here. Blech. My tummy is churning... Growling at me. Hating me for this.
I've got to start a fast right after new years.
I desperately want to start right now but it would be so short.. My family's going to make me eat on christmas. I'll have to find ways out of it.
I'm finally done with shows for a while.. got a break until mid-January. Plenty of time to blog and concentrate on more important things. Like this fat oozing off my bones.
I'm also really relieved not to have school just for the social aspect of it. I really enjoy the people there, but social anxiety is killer. My medicine apparently isn't covering that yet. I better see my psych soon, or i fear another hypo episode in the nearish future... which isn't all that bad, but the worse the mania is, the worse the after-depression is.
my mothers rushing me out the door. i'll update at home.
-------------
So i got in the car with my mother, and she'd brought home pizza... the smell was godawful and i honestly thought i'd puke right there. I wish i would have.
Anyway, it's only 7 pm but i've holed myself up in my room for the night. No chance of going near the kitchen.
Oh, great. Just got a text from a friend: "Wanted to get sushi if you're up to it."
Shit. I hate depriving friends of sushi.
Sorry i'm being Rambler McRambleton-Boringsville IV
I guess im in the Valley of the Very Medicated frolicking among the Meadows of Low Self-Esteem
I need to pirate some more songs for my ana playlist! Give me some suggestions if you have them.
i have the basics plus some i just like:
Garbage - Bleed Like Me
Lisa Loeb - She's Falling Apart
Silverchair - Ana's Song
Superchick - Courage
Superchick - Beauty from Pain
Flyleaf- I'm so Sick
Missy Higgins - Katie
Eleanor McEvoy - Sophie
Saves the Day - Cars and Calories
Bryn Christopher - The Quest
The Raconteurs - Consolers Of the Lonely
Foo Fighters - Skin and Bones
Manic Street Preachers - 4st 7lb
Juliana Hatfield - Feed Me
Katy Rose - Lemon
From First to Last - World War Me
and some others...
I just can't believe Christmas is so near. We must band together to avoid the pounds of fat lurking EVERYWHERE. I'm hopefully getting Wasted along with about eight other books. Also, i know i sound ten, but i still play Nancy Drew. It's my guilty pleasure. So i want more mysteries. Haha.
I'm going to stop this nonsense and either get sushi or sleep.. Utter exhaustion is seeping into my mind..
Love you all, fear food, think thin, stay strong, etc.
s'laters
Don't get me wrong, this started as a great day. Didn't fail my final.
I'm worried Boyfriend is going to find this blog. I told him i have one, but he doesn't know the name. He doesn't know about my love affair with Ana.
He saw me looking at some stuff on here earlier. I'm afraid he'll search it when he gets home. Which will be right about now...
I don't know. I'll just bite my fingernails and hope he forgets.
Today we talked about children and marriage. I talked about how hopeless i feel that any sensible man will want to put up with me. That i don't want to raise fuckup children that live like me.
So i was doing really good today. Drinking lots of lemon water, eating some tuna. I was at 160 cals and planned to keep it that way.
BUT..
Then my grandmother decided to make us a TON of food. I couldn't say no and waste all her efforts, she's so nice! I can't even write what i've eaten, but it's a ton. I can't even purge here. Blech. My tummy is churning... Growling at me. Hating me for this.
I've got to start a fast right after new years.
I desperately want to start right now but it would be so short.. My family's going to make me eat on christmas. I'll have to find ways out of it.
I'm finally done with shows for a while.. got a break until mid-January. Plenty of time to blog and concentrate on more important things. Like this fat oozing off my bones.
I'm also really relieved not to have school just for the social aspect of it. I really enjoy the people there, but social anxiety is killer. My medicine apparently isn't covering that yet. I better see my psych soon, or i fear another hypo episode in the nearish future... which isn't all that bad, but the worse the mania is, the worse the after-depression is.
my mothers rushing me out the door. i'll update at home.
-------------
So i got in the car with my mother, and she'd brought home pizza... the smell was godawful and i honestly thought i'd puke right there. I wish i would have.
Anyway, it's only 7 pm but i've holed myself up in my room for the night. No chance of going near the kitchen.
Oh, great. Just got a text from a friend: "Wanted to get sushi if you're up to it."
Shit. I hate depriving friends of sushi.
Sorry i'm being Rambler McRambleton-Boringsville IV
I guess im in the Valley of the Very Medicated frolicking among the Meadows of Low Self-Esteem
I need to pirate some more songs for my ana playlist! Give me some suggestions if you have them.
i have the basics plus some i just like:
Garbage - Bleed Like Me
Lisa Loeb - She's Falling Apart
Silverchair - Ana's Song
Superchick - Courage
Superchick - Beauty from Pain
Flyleaf- I'm so Sick
Missy Higgins - Katie
Eleanor McEvoy - Sophie
Saves the Day - Cars and Calories
Bryn Christopher - The Quest
The Raconteurs - Consolers Of the Lonely
Foo Fighters - Skin and Bones
Manic Street Preachers - 4st 7lb
Juliana Hatfield - Feed Me
Katy Rose - Lemon
From First to Last - World War Me
and some others...
I just can't believe Christmas is so near. We must band together to avoid the pounds of fat lurking EVERYWHERE. I'm hopefully getting Wasted along with about eight other books. Also, i know i sound ten, but i still play Nancy Drew. It's my guilty pleasure. So i want more mysteries. Haha.
I'm going to stop this nonsense and either get sushi or sleep.. Utter exhaustion is seeping into my mind..
Love you all, fear food, think thin, stay strong, etc.
s'laters
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Get Out Your Shovels
Updating on the day.
Easy finals, napping, headache gone, good day.
Boyfriend hugged me tight and said " I can tell you've lost weight."
Yes!
Also, i can fit into my tiny sisters old jeans!
Yesyesyes!
Ended up consuming:
breakfast
light soup and apple sauce - 160
lunch
fiber bar - 140
i had an even 300. then we had some christmas party type things with food galore. i only ate a bit of food, about 60 cals worth.
then i got home and after studying a long while, i got hungry.
Ate way too much peanut butter. its my worst binge food =(
after i became disgusted with myself, i buried the whole jar in the backyard.
I control YOU, food!
Ha.
I feel odd going to church tonight. Not that i havent gone in a while, i go regularly.. for the most part. But its strange that they think im something im not. They know i struggle, but still.. they don't know the half of it. Just gotta put on a smile and a halo
much love. s'laters
Easy finals, napping, headache gone, good day.
Boyfriend hugged me tight and said " I can tell you've lost weight."
Yes!
Also, i can fit into my tiny sisters old jeans!
Yesyesyes!
Ended up consuming:
breakfast
light soup and apple sauce - 160
lunch
fiber bar - 140
i had an even 300. then we had some christmas party type things with food galore. i only ate a bit of food, about 60 cals worth.
then i got home and after studying a long while, i got hungry.
Ate way too much peanut butter. its my worst binge food =(
after i became disgusted with myself, i buried the whole jar in the backyard.
I control YOU, food!
Ha.
I feel odd going to church tonight. Not that i havent gone in a while, i go regularly.. for the most part. But its strange that they think im something im not. They know i struggle, but still.. they don't know the half of it. Just gotta put on a smile and a halo
much love. s'laters
Gotta Get Back Up
Ugh.
Yesterday i just ate some string cheese in the afternoon and tried to skip dinner, I felt awful at my shows. Slept backstage whenever possible. Read twelve textbook chapters before passing out..
But that's not the fun part.
Mini-saga of my day:
My dad comes home. Says "NO, no matter what you say, you HAVE to come see your family in texas with me this weekend! I dont care if you have plans for your anniversary! etc" (well, thats basically it). That just got me annoyed
Then my mom comes home. They double team me about grades. A lecture about Bs being unacceptable and Cs being so heinous they're going to the principal and demanding i get extra credit work. They tell me im not living up to my potential. Im not doing "everything im capable of" Making me feel, yet again, like im never good enough for anyone's standards. It's always one: perfection. I can't live up to it! And right as i start to accept that, it's shoved in my face again. I got lectures about problem after problem. I feel worthless.
I cried for a good twenty minutes. My mom comes in and tells me to "snap out of it."
Like that's possbile. God. I feel sorry she doesn't know the first thing about how i feel.
As if my day wasn't bad already, i come home and my mom forces me to eat a greasy, cheesy grilled cheese sandwich. And milk. Ew ew ew ew! I always eat small portions for meals, that was just too much. But she made sure i swallowed every bite. It was disgusting.
I have a chem final im probably going to fail this morning. Woo.
Eating light soup for breakfast. My mom calls "Bye! Eat some fat today!"
What the hell is she trying to do?
Gotta go get ready. S'laters
Yesterday i just ate some string cheese in the afternoon and tried to skip dinner, I felt awful at my shows. Slept backstage whenever possible. Read twelve textbook chapters before passing out..
But that's not the fun part.
Mini-saga of my day:
My dad comes home. Says "NO, no matter what you say, you HAVE to come see your family in texas with me this weekend! I dont care if you have plans for your anniversary! etc" (well, thats basically it). That just got me annoyed
Then my mom comes home. They double team me about grades. A lecture about Bs being unacceptable and Cs being so heinous they're going to the principal and demanding i get extra credit work. They tell me im not living up to my potential. Im not doing "everything im capable of" Making me feel, yet again, like im never good enough for anyone's standards. It's always one: perfection. I can't live up to it! And right as i start to accept that, it's shoved in my face again. I got lectures about problem after problem. I feel worthless.
I cried for a good twenty minutes. My mom comes in and tells me to "snap out of it."
Like that's possbile. God. I feel sorry she doesn't know the first thing about how i feel.
As if my day wasn't bad already, i come home and my mom forces me to eat a greasy, cheesy grilled cheese sandwich. And milk. Ew ew ew ew! I always eat small portions for meals, that was just too much. But she made sure i swallowed every bite. It was disgusting.
I have a chem final im probably going to fail this morning. Woo.
Eating light soup for breakfast. My mom calls "Bye! Eat some fat today!"
What the hell is she trying to do?
Gotta go get ready. S'laters
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
School Skipper II
So i had to update, the coolest thing happened!
I went out to walk my dog. We walked along a sidewalk next to this old abandoned elementary school.. The trees full of bright yellow leaves. The sky was completely clear, like someone took a roller and painted it solid gray-blue. It was quite chilly.
Suddenly, i heard these screeching cries. I looked up to see hundreds, no, thousands of birds flying right over my head. I suppose they were looking for a warmer winter home. They were divided into packs that would stop in trees every so often. The leader would make this distinct knocking sound on the tree and they would all fly off.. They lasted for five or ten minutes easily. I just stood and watched.
After their cries faded away and they were gone, i began walking again. I only got a few feet before i looked up again to see ten birds or so flying behind. They were the stragglers. And i found myself identifying with those birds. They struggle to keep up in a world that flies too fast. Keep up with the standards of others. They flew lower, stopped more often, looked as if they would like to just give up. But they knew they must keep flying. Maybe we're all those stragglers.
Neat, eh?
Perhaps im just one of those people who sees everything symbolically.
Anyway, i really wanted to share that.
Oh, tuna and crab are lovely. Only 100 cals a can. Put it over some lettuce (which is what, ten cals?) and have a salad for a light meal! mmmm. thats what im doing for dinner, with the crab.
s'laters <3
I went out to walk my dog. We walked along a sidewalk next to this old abandoned elementary school.. The trees full of bright yellow leaves. The sky was completely clear, like someone took a roller and painted it solid gray-blue. It was quite chilly.
Suddenly, i heard these screeching cries. I looked up to see hundreds, no, thousands of birds flying right over my head. I suppose they were looking for a warmer winter home. They were divided into packs that would stop in trees every so often. The leader would make this distinct knocking sound on the tree and they would all fly off.. They lasted for five or ten minutes easily. I just stood and watched.
After their cries faded away and they were gone, i began walking again. I only got a few feet before i looked up again to see ten birds or so flying behind. They were the stragglers. And i found myself identifying with those birds. They struggle to keep up in a world that flies too fast. Keep up with the standards of others. They flew lower, stopped more often, looked as if they would like to just give up. But they knew they must keep flying. Maybe we're all those stragglers.
Neat, eh?
Perhaps im just one of those people who sees everything symbolically.
Anyway, i really wanted to share that.
Oh, tuna and crab are lovely. Only 100 cals a can. Put it over some lettuce (which is what, ten cals?) and have a salad for a light meal! mmmm. thats what im doing for dinner, with the crab.
s'laters <3
School Skipper
The scale said 134 this morning. That's four pounds from Saturday! is that possible?
i get suspicious that the scale is old and isn't accurate. we'll see.
My finals were relatively easy thank god. I forged a check-out note (damn not being 18 yet) but they wouldn't let me check out, so i just skipped the afternoon classes. I'll probably get in trouble, but to hell with it. I don't care.
Breakfast
Apple - under 100
Lunch
Crackerful - 130
Doing pretty good for the day! =]
I've done a few two-day fasts in my lifetime, and i can't forget the sense of joy and the energy i feel when i'm empty, when my body has flushed out food and i have a clean tank. Like the lightness you feel when you wake up, but better. I can't wait to do another fast as soon as i can.
I took a nice long walk from my mum's to my dad's. I'm going to walk back pretty soon. It's nice and chilly outside, but not freezing.
My parents may cut me from the theater next semester if my grades don't improve. Bitch from hell aka my chemistry teacher LOST my lab paper and gave me an F on it. Nothing i can do about it, apparently. WTF?
Sorry. Mini rant. Haha.
I'm going to head out and think about dinner..
S'laters <3
i get suspicious that the scale is old and isn't accurate. we'll see.
My finals were relatively easy thank god. I forged a check-out note (damn not being 18 yet) but they wouldn't let me check out, so i just skipped the afternoon classes. I'll probably get in trouble, but to hell with it. I don't care.
Breakfast
Apple - under 100
Lunch
Crackerful - 130
Doing pretty good for the day! =]
I've done a few two-day fasts in my lifetime, and i can't forget the sense of joy and the energy i feel when i'm empty, when my body has flushed out food and i have a clean tank. Like the lightness you feel when you wake up, but better. I can't wait to do another fast as soon as i can.
I took a nice long walk from my mum's to my dad's. I'm going to walk back pretty soon. It's nice and chilly outside, but not freezing.
My parents may cut me from the theater next semester if my grades don't improve. Bitch from hell aka my chemistry teacher LOST my lab paper and gave me an F on it. Nothing i can do about it, apparently. WTF?
Sorry. Mini rant. Haha.
I'm going to head out and think about dinner..
S'laters <3
Monday, December 14, 2009
Another Day Gone to Waste!
I did eat the apple for dinner.
I felt like absolute shit at my shows. I still did most of the numbers. I ate a can of tuna afterwards. I still hit below the 800 mark, so i'm fine.
My mum is totally catching on, how does she do that?
Cant wait til im on my own.
I haven't even seen my psychologist in months, which is fine, she's an annoying little blond pixie. But my parents are typically anal about therapy. So i haven't told her about my recent hypomanic state.
I'll be fine one day.. then the next week i'll hardly sleep, hardly eat (yes!), be constantly rushing and constantly thinking and getting all my work done, i feel like wonder woman! but apparently that's a bad thing.
You ever seen a psych that actually helped?
All of mine have just ranted about everything thats wrong with me and did things that, obviously, did not help. what a rip off.
i am so excited. i cant wait for the next few months to fly by so i can see those numbers on the scale drop. some days it's what i live for. oh, the irony.
just an update. s'laters
I felt like absolute shit at my shows. I still did most of the numbers. I ate a can of tuna afterwards. I still hit below the 800 mark, so i'm fine.
My mum is totally catching on, how does she do that?
Cant wait til im on my own.
I haven't even seen my psychologist in months, which is fine, she's an annoying little blond pixie. But my parents are typically anal about therapy. So i haven't told her about my recent hypomanic state.
I'll be fine one day.. then the next week i'll hardly sleep, hardly eat (yes!), be constantly rushing and constantly thinking and getting all my work done, i feel like wonder woman! but apparently that's a bad thing.
You ever seen a psych that actually helped?
All of mine have just ranted about everything thats wrong with me and did things that, obviously, did not help. what a rip off.
i am so excited. i cant wait for the next few months to fly by so i can see those numbers on the scale drop. some days it's what i live for. oh, the irony.
just an update. s'laters
Britain's Got... Fugly Sopranos?
Good afty, girls and boys.
My last post was written in a rush. Here are some more factoids:
UGW: 120, at least.
Height: 5' 8"
I have brown hair that my mum won't let me dye :/
Age: 17
"The real reason to be on Twitter is to follow lesbian breakups.." lmao. watching Vh1. I am one of those befuddled by the Twitter sensation. cool for celebrities or politicians, but otherwise, who cares what you're doing every second? Just update your facebook status. Haha.
Anyway, moving on.
Let's log today's calories:
Breakfast:
Fiber Bar - 140
Cranberry juice - 5
Lunch:
Trail mix - 290
Haven't eaten anything else yet. I've been drinking my lemon juice/ cayenne mixture and it not only fills me up but even turns the stomach a little sour when i'm not used to it. It's great!
I've been sick anyway. basically just feeling like crap all day. I utterly failed a math exam today. But failures just fuel my ED and such, because i start to feel like food is completely wasted on me. That i am a useless waste of matter and space. You ever feel that way?
I'm sure you have. Though i hope you haven't.
I'm not sure what to have for dinner. My mom's been monitoring my food intake because she's a spazzoid. She's noticed i'm not eating as much. I must get better at hiding it..
Got any tips?
I may have an apple with a tablespoon of peanut butter, that's under 200 cals. I'm staying under 1,000 and preferably under 800 for the rest of the month. I'm easing my body into it so it doesnt freak out. After the new year i'll be more restrictive.
Hey, another random thought - Susan Boyle. What the hell is so appealing? She's wonderfully talented, but it just makes me think... Are we so shallow that we assume those with less fortunate appearances (aka ugly bastards) cannot possibly possess noteworthy talents? Of course they can! But the world was shocked. It's just odd.
So i have to study for more exams but i'm so tireddddd..
Later i have shows to do. Oh hey, another fact, i act! A lot. It's sort of my life.
Also, i have a wonderful boyfriend who is fabulous but who i hide ED from. He gets so concerned and i don't want him to worry any more than he has had to. you know?
I really want a smoke. But i have no way to get one. I dont even like smoking, this is weird.
I feel so fucking hopeless sometimes. Ugh.
Well on that positive note, i'll be off! haha. S'laters!
My last post was written in a rush. Here are some more factoids:
UGW: 120, at least.
Height: 5' 8"
I have brown hair that my mum won't let me dye :/
Age: 17
"The real reason to be on Twitter is to follow lesbian breakups.." lmao. watching Vh1. I am one of those befuddled by the Twitter sensation. cool for celebrities or politicians, but otherwise, who cares what you're doing every second? Just update your facebook status. Haha.
Anyway, moving on.
Let's log today's calories:
Breakfast:
Fiber Bar - 140
Cranberry juice - 5
Lunch:
Trail mix - 290
Haven't eaten anything else yet. I've been drinking my lemon juice/ cayenne mixture and it not only fills me up but even turns the stomach a little sour when i'm not used to it. It's great!
I've been sick anyway. basically just feeling like crap all day. I utterly failed a math exam today. But failures just fuel my ED and such, because i start to feel like food is completely wasted on me. That i am a useless waste of matter and space. You ever feel that way?
I'm sure you have. Though i hope you haven't.
I'm not sure what to have for dinner. My mom's been monitoring my food intake because she's a spazzoid. She's noticed i'm not eating as much. I must get better at hiding it..
Got any tips?
I may have an apple with a tablespoon of peanut butter, that's under 200 cals. I'm staying under 1,000 and preferably under 800 for the rest of the month. I'm easing my body into it so it doesnt freak out. After the new year i'll be more restrictive.
Hey, another random thought - Susan Boyle. What the hell is so appealing? She's wonderfully talented, but it just makes me think... Are we so shallow that we assume those with less fortunate appearances (aka ugly bastards) cannot possibly possess noteworthy talents? Of course they can! But the world was shocked. It's just odd.
So i have to study for more exams but i'm so tireddddd..
Later i have shows to do. Oh hey, another fact, i act! A lot. It's sort of my life.
Also, i have a wonderful boyfriend who is fabulous but who i hide ED from. He gets so concerned and i don't want him to worry any more than he has had to. you know?
I really want a smoke. But i have no way to get one. I dont even like smoking, this is weird.
I feel so fucking hopeless sometimes. Ugh.
Well on that positive note, i'll be off! haha. S'laters!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Introductions Are In Order
Okay.
I've read blogs for years, and i've finally decided it's time to begin.
Like my newest project.
Here are the basics:
I've been struggling with bipolar. My docs have me on the completely wrong meds, what the hell? And all i can do is sit here and go crazy in my room.
I've bounced between bulimic tendencies and anorexic tendencies for a while, a regular ol' EDNOS. But now ive realized it's time for the big leagues. A full time ana!
I just need a focus. I want to be thinner, yes, it makes me feel better about myself. But if there's something that can consume my mind, it helps me be... saner, you could say. I've tried alcohol - fail. I've tried cutting - fail. I need something else. So this is it.
I've done my research, i know how it goes. I've already started cutting back the cals. I'm easing my body into it..
So far i've dropped two pounds which makes me excited about this whole thing.
Who gives a shit if its unhealthy. Like im anywhere near "healthy"
No one has to read this, or care. But if you're a fellow ana, we should talk. I have hardly any pro friends.. I just know that if i consistently blog about this, i'll feel more guilty if i don't stick to it.
CW: 140
HW: 153
LW: 133
GW: 130
GW2: 125
Let's see how it goes!
I'll give a lengthier intro/update later.
Bye lovelies!
-Ana Marie
I've read blogs for years, and i've finally decided it's time to begin.
Like my newest project.
Here are the basics:
I've been struggling with bipolar. My docs have me on the completely wrong meds, what the hell? And all i can do is sit here and go crazy in my room.
I've bounced between bulimic tendencies and anorexic tendencies for a while, a regular ol' EDNOS. But now ive realized it's time for the big leagues. A full time ana!
I just need a focus. I want to be thinner, yes, it makes me feel better about myself. But if there's something that can consume my mind, it helps me be... saner, you could say. I've tried alcohol - fail. I've tried cutting - fail. I need something else. So this is it.
I've done my research, i know how it goes. I've already started cutting back the cals. I'm easing my body into it..
So far i've dropped two pounds which makes me excited about this whole thing.
Who gives a shit if its unhealthy. Like im anywhere near "healthy"
No one has to read this, or care. But if you're a fellow ana, we should talk. I have hardly any pro friends.. I just know that if i consistently blog about this, i'll feel more guilty if i don't stick to it.
CW: 140
HW: 153
LW: 133
GW: 130
GW2: 125
Let's see how it goes!
I'll give a lengthier intro/update later.
Bye lovelies!
-Ana Marie
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